You Are Worth Your Time

I woke up at 5 am this morning and stared at the ceiling, waiting for two hours to pass before I could get up and do something for the day. In those two hours like numerous other hours on numerous other days, I kept thinking about things I could do to make my day productive. In the first few days after I finished my final semester, it took me a while to let go of my lingering anxiety. Every moment of rest felt unreal, almost illegal because I felt I was doing something I shouldn’t be. Eventually a pattern set in and I loved every moment of not doing anything. It soon became disturbing when I constantly felt the need to make the best use of this time, to be productive, to throw myself into something meaningful which would have value for my career. I felt inadequate when I saw my peers posting screenshots of their certificates and internships. I was doing something throughout the day though, from putting clothes in the washing machine to drying them, trying new recipes, painting with no time pressure, taking tuition class, reading books and of course watching shows that I had been looking forward to for months. These are things that give me security and a sense of peace but I constantly felt guilty about them. Somehow simple things in life that give you some satisfaction are never termed productive. 

Everyday in the past two months has taught me to be grateful for so many little things in life, it has made me more perceptive and appreciative. Everyday has been a step forward in understanding myself and people around me better. In that sense, have I not been productive? Do I need to actually ‘produce’ something to feel accomplished? A few months ago I might have said yes, productivity is determined by how much work I get done, how much progress I make on tangible things. Lately I believe otherwise, getting through a day feeling happy and ending each day while looking forward to the next is also an exercise in productivity. Ironically, I had recorded a podcast on ‘Toxic Productivity’ at a point when I was drowning in my expectations and standards that I set for myself. It’s been a while since that and now I can  proudly say that I spend time learning to love myself, letting go of things that need to be and building new relationships which is meaningful and by no means unproductive even if it externally appears to be not yielding anything. I deserve every bit of the time I got with myself. Funnily enough, when I thought about productive things that I could do, it was always things that I could show others to get validation. The true things that give me a sense of self worth are probably not conventionally worthwhile but they make me who I am and being a truly comfortable version of myself is what I have productively achieved in the past two months. Writing this post could be an exercise of productivity, an expression of self or even just another insignificant thing on the internet today, it doesn’t matter because I think it was worth my time.

Picture by Oleg Illarionov on Unsplash 

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